Bah too many goodbyes to go through all at once.I found out last week that not only am I leaving Xanga...Im leaving Wisconsin as well.This is no suprise to me.Im sick of it here anyway.Maybe theres somewhere I can be happy.

For any drama that I have been a part of, to anyone whos ever shed a tear on my account, for everything I blew out of proportion in my unenlightened state:I apologize.I was just a fucked up little boy looking for somewhere to belong.

Im not quite gone yet but I am half packed.I have until the end of november to decide where.And thats when The modem goes off.So for all my friends, foes, pimps, and hoes:Misbehave yourselves.Ima miss you all.

Im sorry for the inconvenience, but Im afraid youll have to reschedule.The doctor is out.

P.S. Out of respect please, if you decide to comment, keep it civil for fucks sake.No more beef getting acted out on this site.

Ok for the record I am not  even buzzed:

This site is closed as of right now.Everytime I come here, Even if its to make a happy post, Im overwhelmed by the failures and fuckups of my past.Maybe Ill start a new one.Probably not.For those of you who have stuck by me through all of my personal BS dont worry, I'll still be on yahoo.For those of you who dont really care about any of this, thanks for stoppin.For those of you who have conspired against me, fuck off.And for those of you whos 18 pretty little lies still haunt my every dream, thank you for reenforcing what I have always known about myself.I truly hope youre happy.

Good night children.Dont let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Hello children.

Well I have finally surrendered to the cold reality of things.Funny...I expected this to hurt alot more.All I feel is numb.I had what alchoholics would call a 'moment of clarity' when everything just came into focus.I meditated on it and saw that this is the best possible outcome I could have hoped for, and for that I am grateful.The trick is not to feel.What you need is a controlled oblivion.It has been a long tunnel but I can see light at the end.

Sorry if this doesnt make sense to alot of you, but for those of you who know the saga, smile for me.

Not all of this applies, but what the hell:

"Gave up"

perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same
open my eyes wake up in flames
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me see the light
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do
covered in hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up
throw it away

So I had this big elaborate update of a post that i was going to make...but when I opened this window the only thing I could think top type was "Aw jeez."

Ehm.Lifes ok.Not wonderful.Not horrible.My job irritates me but I do it.I had a pretty good weekend.Lots of drunken good times.Met some new friends.Always kool.

Other than that iono.Theres still shit that wieghs on my mind...but not as heavily.Maybe im reading too much into things, but I think my problem is that lately I havent been reading enough into things.Cross your fingers.Hold your breath.

To sum it up, Im in the grind right now, but I wouldnt have it any other way.Take kare and BB.